Don’t let failed tutors cut off children’s Huigen
Obstacle 1: Preconception is the product of our empiricism.
It is a very trouble-free way to predict in advance how our loved ones will react in certain situations, and then take corresponding actions based on this advance.
Have you ever said something like “I didn’t tell you I was afraid you would get upset after knowing”?
As a result, you will find that this person is upset because of your kind intentions and doing so often.
As another example, every time Steve goes home, his mother always reminds him “don’t forget your coat.” The last time Steve forgot his coat was when he was eight years old, his mother realized thatFor 37 years at this time, Steve didn’t make much progress.
Keller only stays at home and the people around her do everything for her, then her life is a very limited life.
Indeed, her family thinks she has been hurt so much, what else could she do on her own.
However, another person finally came to Helen, and her views were different from Helen’s family, which gave Helen an opportunity for development.
When people are preconceived, they forget one of the most beautiful characteristics of human beings, that is, everyone has the ability to learn and change from time to time.
Preconceived hints or warnings to children: “Yesterday you were a child, and today I can only allow you to be like that.
“This will cause a lot of frustration for others, and it will be easier for children who are developing rapidly.
Famous psychologist B.
Skinner found that rats constantly respond to stimuli around them based on instincts and habits, but humans respond to stimuli based on their beliefs.
When the stimulus reaches the brain and attracts attention, it passes through the human mind system, and according to this, a series of reaction possibilities are generated.
The brain judges these possibilities based on big ideas to choose or create a behavior.
At the same time, the progress of individual behaviors is constantly changing the original concept.
Therefore, the response to the same stimulus is different at different times. For example, there is a fire in some places, someone rushes out, and some people may run across the flames barefoot, but next time they encounter similar situationsAt that time, they may learn to be good and start to try other methods.
If we realize that others will grow and change, then we will tolerate the changes of others and the changes in our relationship with them.
Before we recognize how others are doing, we better ask ourselves a question: “If I abandon my original opinion, what will it be?
“The answer is very simple:” Let me see.
“If possible, it is better to predict nothing first, not to be preconceived, not to interfere with changes, and even to observe and discover.
Steve has a vision of his mother’s decision to remain silent when he goes out, instead of reminding him not to forget to take a coat.
Steve thinks this should be the case, and I’m afraid he can’t help but ask his mother, “Are you going to remind me of your coat?”
“No, dear,” said the imaginary mother, “I think if the coat is important to you, you will remember it.
Steve would say, “Yes, I still carry it.
The weather outside will get colder.
“In this way, his mother will find with satisfaction that forty-seven years later, her son has finally learned something.
Obstacle 2: Rescue or Explain As parents or teachers, we often interfere prematurely with what children are doing to save children, but allow them to repay the consequences of their actions, or we ignore the significance of children’s explanations rather than helpThey find things meaningful to themselves.
It is generally believed that good parents or teachers explain things to children, but everyone knows that true good parents or teachers explore with children to help children explain things themselves.
Foreign explanations are often more confused.
I don’t know if you have this kind of experience. Someone is familiar with something, but you don’t know anything. He explained to you endlessly, but the more he explained, the more unclear you were.
When children do one thing, premature adult intervention and explanations often make them frustrated.
Adults’ “perfect, clever” often confuses them, making them feel more incompetent and more vulnerable.
If something happens, they think, “What can I do if my lord is not here?”
“, Thereby losing confidence and relying on others.
Those who intervene too quickly and worry about others are called savers or empowerers.
These callers or rescuers rescue others, keeping them flawed, leaving them vulnerable but manipulated.
They often say, “This is the truth of the matter”, “This is the reason for the matter”, “You better do this so that you can make things smooth” and so on.
Their words are full of hints: you are incompetent, you should not encounter such problems, you need help, I can help you, and so on.
Savers almost never encourage children to develop self-confidence in their abilities.
There are many newly-married couples. Before they got married, because they had their parents to do everything, they tilted and worried after they got married. They do n’t know if they can afford to buy things, buy insurance, balance family income and expenditure, arrange houses, etc.Problems that must be faced.
Because their parents often play the role of savior, the result is that after their children get married, their “toolbox” still lacks the necessary living tools.
Parents go too fast to help their children and prevent them from gaining their own life experience.
By providing explanations to their children too quickly, parents have prevented them from raising awareness.
In this case, what parents should do is actually do nothing, wait patiently, and patiently inspire the child to experience, think, and act. This is what parents can help their children to achieve more development.opportunity.
Obstacle 3: Guidance Guidance is another behavior that hinders your child’s growth for your convenience.
It is easier to interfere with children’s actions and guide them in our way than to invite children to take an active part in and accept children’s different behaviors.
However, man is an independent animal, and he requires others to respect his uniqueness to a certain extent.
If we interfere and direct others’ actions too early, we are creating hostility, resistance, and attack.
Imagine this situation: you meet a bunch of enthusiastic mentors or bosses, and for each step of your work, although you can do it yourself, he still insists to tell you in detail.
If this situation lasts for a long time, you may not be able to stand up and start looking for another job. At least, your enthusiasm and desire for work will quickly decline.
However, if your boss can encourage you to make your own contribution with respect, then you can believe that your boss thinks you are useful.
We all understand that coaching places a great burden on the instructed.
But as parents, we keep telling our children “pick this up; set it aside; you should take a shower; don’t forget to drink milk before the school bus comes” and so on.
Children often refuse to listen to our puppets, and sometimes even confront us. Parents feel frustrated when doing so. In fact, the purpose of children to do so is to defend their “sovereignty.”
Coaching is probably one of the most common obstacles in family life and it is a sign of parental lack of patience.
If we are patient and encourage children to do the right thing for the family or for themselves, and think of their autonomy, the effect will be much better.
Now suppose your house is in a mess, but there are customers coming soon, with the responsibility to prepare the children, and instruct them to do what they do, it ‘s better to say: “Children, I have friends to come later, but the house is too messy.
It would be a great help for me if you guys can sort this out for me.
“It turned out to be unexpectedly good: the shoes on the floor, the stinky socks seemed to disappear magically, and the room seemed unprecedentedly uncluttered.
We said just now that the results of the coaching made the parents frustrated. In fact, the coaching made the children frustrated and made them feel incompetent. In order to protect themselves, they became more stubborn and often rebellious.
A woman who participated in our training course told something she had personally experienced, which proves this point.
She said: “I often posted a list of household chores for my husband and children to do at home before going to work.
But every time I go home, I find that the home is still the same, and they are only half-heartedly doing what is assigned to them.
I have never had anyone who hated this instruction sheet.
They are really passionate about what they should do.
This is a big joke.
“During the training course, the woman became very excited. She spent almost all night thinking about what to do in the training session the next day. She was thinking about it the next morning, so she forgot the time.
By the time she came to her senses, she would be late.
While walking hurriedly, she said to her husband, “Today I must attend a training course, and I cannot arrange household chores.
Someone in our family is coming tonight. If you come back earlier than me, I would be very grateful if you could help me with something.
“When she got home, she found that supper was cooked on the stove, the washing machine was placed downstairs, and her husband was cleaning the room with a vacuum cleaner.
She asked, “What happened?”
He said, “I know you’re in a hurry, because you don’t have time to write that dead instruction sheet.
When I was cleaning the room just now, I was thinking that I had lived successfully for thirty years before we got married.
I pay my bills, take care of what I should do, entertain my friends, arrange my life, but since I got married, I have never been trusted again.
In fact, when my mother was doing things for me, I felt the same about her as I do now.
And I eventually left my mother to find another woman.
“This story tells us that neither adults nor children like being guided.
In fact, all the obstacles and constructive factors mentioned in this chapter work in the relationship of all people, not just in parent-child relationships.
Let’s look at another example.
We know that there are many schools in a community, and one of the community’s faculty training coordinators is a restricted, controlled, and mentored person. She often reduces the number of people participating in community development training to the level of children in kindergartens.Annoyed at her.
During a training event, after the first day of training, she told the scholars, “I ask each of you to pick up your own cup and throw it into the trash can before leaving.
“It turned out there were extra people as if they didn’t hear them, and their cups were still there.
Who are these scholars?
They are all school principals, senior inspectors, and other people with great potential. As a result, they are like children, resisting the guidance of others.
The next day, we intervened and adopted another behavior.
We said to the scholars: “After our training class, the school is connected here for another meeting.
The school asked us to ensure that the conference room is in good condition after everyone leaves.
We would appreciate it if you could spend a few more minutes helping us clean up the room.
“As a result, the researchers straightened their chairs, re-dipped their carbs, wiped the blackboard, and they did everything they needed to do.
By inviting them to help and encouraging them to contribute, these publications put in extra effort; through command and guidance, the female coordinator, as she saw it herself, caused resistance and hostility.
As we try to guide others, we may ask ourselves the following two questions.
1 “If we don’t manipulate it in our own way, will our world stop running?
“If the answer is yes, then we should step in to deal with it.
But even so, guidance should be our last choice. The first thing we need is careful consideration.
If the answer is no, then ask yourself a second question.
2 “Does the person I want to coach need to develop the ability to make a life plan for himself?
“If the answer is yes, then all we have to do is to simply stop coaching.
How can a person learn to plan if he has never had a chance to plan for himself?
If a person is never allowed to execute a flawed plan, how can he learn to face the flaws in the plan?
In other words, how can a person learn to overcome the shortcomings of the plan when he is afraid to improve the shortcomings of the plan because he has lost courage?
It can be said that our greatest success is often obtained from failure. As long as we do not take failure too seriously, as long as we have the courage to try, failure is the mother of success.